My Breastfeeding Guilt and Shame
I went to a baby group last week.
I needed to feed my baby - from a bottle - as has become a part of our feeding journey this time around. And I didn’t want to get the bottle out. There were two other mums there with little babies, both breastfeeding. And I felt embarrassed. And I hesitated to get the bottle out and feed her but obviously, she needed fed, so of course I got it out and fed her, while cringing every step of the way. And then I felt that I needed to explain our difficult feeding journey and why I was using a bottle and that it contained donor milk and not formula.
And then I thought to myself, what in the fuck am I doing? Why am I explaining to these strangers why I’m using a bottle for my baby? Why am I telling them it’s breastmilk in that bottle and not formula? As if formula would be some kind of poison? They don’t give a shit how I’m feeding my baby. They’re not looking at me thinking - oh there’s that terrible mother feeding her baby from a bottle. They couldn’t care less!
So why do I care? Why do I feel the need to explain myself to these people I don’t know as if it’s some dirty little secret I’m trying to cover up? So I did a little journaling on this to try and understand why I felt this way. I thought about other people who I see feeding their babies from a bottle and how I feel about that? Do I judge them for not breastfeeding? Do I judge them for using formula? No I don’t, like not even a tiny bit, I really don’t care what someone else chooses to do. Actually, I do care - I care about autonomy and I believe with every fibre of my being that people should make choices that are right for them. Whether that’s breastmilk or formula, if it’s that person’s choice then I celebrate that!
As I was journaling on this I reflected back on a book I read when doing my Mindful Breastfeeding training called Why Breastfeeding Grief and Trauma Matter - the title explains what it’s about but what it talks about isn’t related to meeting a certain target of breastfeeding it’s about meeting (or not meeting) YOUR OWN breastfeeding goals. That’s the thing about it, not if you do it or you don’t. And I realised that what I was feeling was a form of grief for the feeding experience I had imagined in my mind and which hadn’t quite come to fruition. And of course along with grief comes guilt and shame, those completely useless and very annoying emotions - shame of supporting others in their breastfeeding journey but not managing to succeed in my own, guilt that all my others had breastmilk til one and Alba is unlikely to get to that point on breastmilk alone. Like that thing on Christmas when you have to give them all the same number of parcels (no? just me?). Lots of other feelings of guilt, shame, sadness.
Not sharing this for sympathy or to depress the life out of you by the way, I share this because I believe others may have felt similar feelings and I believe it is important to acknowledge that breastfeeding grief can be a very real thing with a huge emotional impact now and into the future.
I received loads of support to try and improve things including through my health visitor, infant feeding time and a private lactation consultant. All very appreciated but what none of that focussed on was how I was feeling emotionally. So here’s my top tips on how to support yourself emotionally (and full disclosure, I’m still not fully ‘ok’ but that’s alright)
Let yourself feel the feelings! I mean this is just a top tip for day to day life isn’t it, but do allow yourself to feel and express how you really feel about the situation.
Journalling - I guess linked to the first point but journaling is so helpful, again just great in day to day life, but it is so helpful to write down your triggers and understand a bit more about how you feel and why you feel it.
Positive Affirmations - focus on the positive, believe in yourself, affirm how capable and amazing you are as a mother. For me affirmations like ‘I am doing the best for my baby’ and ‘I am my babies comfort’ resonated.
Find a way to relax - not always easy of a mum of a new baby or with other children but stealing those little moments of relaxation. I was lucky I had my Mindful BF tracks to listen to and I love that they’re nice and short so it’s realistic to fit in, really helpful for regulating the nervous system. Other things like a nice bath to yourself.
Connection is key - whatever way you’re feeding your baby whether it’s how you wanted it to go or not, prioritise connection above all else!
I hope sharing this has helped someone, please let me know if any of this resonates for you!
Mandy x
I am well aware that my own breastfeeding grief and trauma are nothing in comparison with the grief and trauma being experienced by the mothers of Palestine at the moment. The Birthworkers Collective Support Group for Palestine has a fund which donates to charities helping on the ground, one of which is the Dr Kirnan Wet Nursing Fund - if you are reading this and the plight of Palestinian mothers and babies has touched your heart as it has mine, please consider making a small donation here: